Well, shit.

As of now, I am content with life.

Work is good, school is almost over.
I got a new phone.
I got a new book.

Yeah.
I have nothing to add.

"I object".

First of all, HOLY SHIT a lot has been happening.

Secondly, HOLY SHIT I didn't even realize that until I typed in the web address to come here and post a blog.

Thirdly, HOLY SHIT it is 5AM and I am still up.

Okay, where to begin?
Hm...

I found an old friend the other day.
He's turned out to be quite an attractive guy.
Unfortunately, I don't think there's much there in the brain department.
Isn't that just awful? He was so fabulous when we were children.
He played Peter Pan with me, for fuck's sake!
...
I suppose that doesn't say much. All kids can run around pretending they can fly.


Mom and I got into a huge tiff on Thursday night.
Like, I was crying for a good hour and a half.
I shouldn't have said a word, really, because of course all she does is nag me about it now.
And I do recall saying, "I don't want to tell you, because then you'll just bitch at me about it for the next three months".
She didn't believe me. Does she ever?


Bryce and I broke things off.
Because he does drugs.
And thinks it's okay to tell me that his friends won't like me because I'm loud and obnoxious.
While BOTH of those are extremely great descriptions of me...
He's known me for three years. And logic might just suggest that if a dude really and truly likes you, the sun shines out your ass regardless of what his friends think.
THEREFORE. See ya later, Bryce. Enjoy destroying your brain cells, and having meaningless relationships for the rest of your life. :-D


I went and saw 'The Miser' on Saturday night with Brandon.
It was absolutely hysterical. I'm going to see it again this weekend.
It's the last weekend to see it, and I wouldn't miss it for the world.
I also saw '17 Again' on Thursday night.
I am also going to see that again. It really isn't what you'd expect.
In my honest opinion, it's a nerd movie. It's a nerd movie for chicks who think Zac Efron is tops (Basically, me).


I had an epic dream about Zac Efron last night.
I was the girl next door who he came to about his women's troubles until one night, he came over, and said weird things had been happening to him.
Next thing ya know, he's all full of this thing called destiny and there's some prophecy being fulfilled and these giant robotic aliens are chasing us on the freeway and abducting random cars to throw at us. Yes, people were still in them.
Vanessa Hudgens called a lot, and Zac always said something in this foreign tongue.
Methinks that was just my way of coping with the fact that my reality had become so fucking twisted in the dream, that I couldn't tell if Zac Efron WAS actually himself, or just a guy who LOOKED like him.
Anyway, the prophecy said something about me, and Zac was all like, "WTF Cayla. You're in here".
When I read it, I kind of freaked and told him not to read it.
Cuz it basically said we had to procreate. Soon.
But he read it.
And that's the exact time that I woke up.

Isn't it just FUCKING convenient that people always wake up during those pivotal moments? It really pisses me off! RAH.


One Act auditions are today.
...
I'm actually not quite sure if I'll be participating or not.
Last year was such a pain in my ass.
And no offense to anybody, but working with my peers as directors?
It just sort of makes me feel stupid.
And you all know how I feel about feeling stupid.

A big part of me just wants to sleep all day and find a way to get back into that dream...


Oh, and a closing note here:

I hate that I miss Joe Bristlin. That thought haunts me every day.
Because he's been such an incessant dick to me. Just... oh, the douche baggery of him.
And I miss him. It's awful.

I am the option. The last minute option.

Ohhh, well, we were all sort of waiting for this post, weren't we?

I am completely and utterly miserable.
I have been for the past few days, as I've come to realize a few things.

I guess I didn't really realize how easily I get attached to the guys I like, but wow, is it kind of overwhelming once I think about it.

I mean, they shouldn't have to assure me 24/7 that they like me, right?
But at the same time, saying things like, "We'll hang. Just. Not a lot" isn't exactly assuring of anything, other than if he gets bored, he'll hit me up.

Why am I never enough?

Why is it that guys fight for me left and right, but the very second they have me within their grasp, and I'm totally all for it... It's like they go on auto-pilot or shut off completely?

I know I'm the one who does this to them now.
It's like the mystery is all gone, and when they see me for who I really am, they're not interested anymore.
That's when they turn into jerks so I'll turn them away. Then they can't really be labeled the bad guy who broke my heart. Again.

But my heart is breaking.
I feel like it's never going to stop, ever.
It starts getting all healed and nice and pretty and full, and then it just gets crushed again.

In retrospect, it all could've been avoided, of course.
If I would've just stuck to my guns with the whole, "I don't date" thing, I would not be in physical agony over this now.

There is just now way he could have liked me as much as he let on.
With things like, "My friends most likely wouldn't like you" and just brushing me off like I'm chopped liver whenever I wanted to see him... it's hard to imagine he thought much of me.

Even now, as I type this, I'm still sort of arguing with him on it.
All he keeps saying is, "Sorry" and "I told you this was going to happen".
He's not fighting for me.
He's not telling me I'm being ridiculous.

Not one guy ever has.
I tell them they're making me feel like shit, I tell them that they're on bullshit, and they immediately tell me, "Ah well. Sorry I fucked up. See ya".

I think the perpetual question in my mind is just always going to be, "Why am I always the option, and never the necessity?"

All of these guys claim that I am soooooooooooooo necessary.
My ex boyfriends, for crying out loud!
But they're lying through their teeth.
It isn't possible. If I was, there would have been a fight.
There would have been some sort of story I could at least tell my friends about later.

But the only stories I have are:
"I told him it was over. He said okay".
"I asked him why he was acting like that. He said I don't know".
"He told me he had something to say, then we sat in a car for an hour in silence".
"He said that he loved me, but if we were a couple, it would take the fire out of it".
"He cheated on me. Didn't even apologize or ask to work things out".
"I told him he was being a jerk. He agreed".

I'm always the rule. Never the exception.

Ohhhh Minnesota.

I was going to write a blog chronicling what happened on Saturday night, but Anna wrote it way, way better than I did. So I'm just gonna post her blog here:

On Saturday I saw Margaret Cho perform, as expected she was hilarious/fabulous. I think I can die happy now, I mean I’ve been a fan of hers since I was 8 and the only part of her act I could really “get” was her impression of her mom which will always remind me of my Japanse grandmother, so Saturday was 15 years in the making for me. Which reminds me, thanks to Margaret, I now know that I am “Asian Adjacent”.

In the excitement of going to see Ms. Cho I forgot that she had an opening act (yes, I was that excited) and I was surprised that I’d actually heard of him. When they asked us to welcome Ian Harvie it didn’t click right away, then he said he’s a transman, and then all the puzzles pieces fit; I had seen him on Cat on the Prowl on AfterEllen. After seeing his act, I ‘m pretty sure I’m an Ian Harvie fan.

All of this fabulousness happend in Red Wing, Minnesota at Treasure Island Resort and Casino. I was walking through and noticed the huge amount of Asians, gays, and gay Asians. I told Cayla “Treasure Island’s regulars have never seen so many Asians and queers. I mean some of these guys were probably in WWII, Korea or Vietnam. I love it!”

When we left for our two hour ride home it was dark and raining. Now when we came to the casino we turned left to get in, so when we left we turned right. It was not the right way and by the time we were headed in the right direction (with about 40 other cars behind us that realized they made the same “mistake”) it started to snow heavily. Cayla and I came to conclusion that to get back at us for robbing the natives of their land, they magically switched the roads to fuck with our heads. We also decided they must think that everyone’s got some sort of spirit guide to help figure out the roads, because there are no road signs or street lamps.

The snow was getting a little ridiculous, and Cayla was having a hard time keeping control of the car, so we kept an eye out for a hotel, I spotted a Super 8, but I didn’t notice it soon enough so we didn’t go there. A few minutes later I noticed a motel. I instantly regreted pointing it out. This place was straight outta Psycho I didn’t want to stay there. We knocked on the door and asked how much a room was and he said 50 dollars. Cayla asked if I had 50 dollars, I did but I lied (it was a combination of not wanting to spend 50 bucks and not wanting to stay there), Cayla knew I was lying and I paid.

The room was straight outta 1960 except for the TV which was straight out of 1992ish. We picked our beds and when I turned my covers down I noticed hairs on my sheets. Cayla accused me of being uptight for sleeping in my jeans, oxford shirt, and hoodie. All in all it was horrible. Cayla would argue that it was an adventure and I would argue it was 50 dollars spent to possibly get bed bugs. But seeing Margaret Cho definitely made it worth while.

BTW, it was TOTALLY AN ADVENTURE.

Maaaan, I love this prank.

This is a prank I pulled on Audra last year for April Fool's.
:-D
I LOOOOOOOVE IT.

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:02:48 AM): audra.

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:02:53 AM): i need to tell you something kind of serious.

KirkisaJ3rk (1:04:03 AM): what?

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:04:34 AM): i kind of had a serious girl-on-girl encounter this weekend.

KirkisaJ3rk (1:04:44 AM): ....

KirkisaJ3rk (1:04:45 AM): with Laura?

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:04:50 AM): yeahhhh.

KirkisaJ3rk (1:05:29 AM): like...outside of the game?

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:06:02 AM): yeahhhh. on saturday. after the boys left. see, she has this purple vibrator dildo whatev, and she got it when she was dating rob, cuz it was the size of his peen. so i was all, "LEMME SEE". and then we used it.

KirkisaJ3rk (1:06:16 AM): O.O

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:06:29 AM): we weren't drunk, though.

KirkisaJ3rk (1:06:30 AM): JESUS CHRIST

KirkisaJ3rk (1:06:38 AM): I THOUGHT YOU MEANT LIKE, YOU MADE OUT WITH HER OR SOMETHING

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:06:51 AM): ohhh, i wish that's all it was.

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:07:02 AM): buuuuut no. i told it was serious, dude. kissing isn't that serious.

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:07:16 AM): using a relatively large purple dildo on each other, while NOT under the influence of alcohol...heh.

KirkisaJ3rk (1:07:34 AM): Yeah...I mean...wow....well just

KirkisaJ3rk (1:07:36 AM): I'm speechless.

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:07:49 AM): and i kind of liked it. i mean...with her...i mean...god. yeah. i don't know.

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:07:57 AM): wanna know something else?

KirkisaJ3rk (1:08:14 AM): mm?

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:08:20 AM): it's april fool's day.

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:08:21 AM):

KirkisaJ3rk (1:08:36 AM): LADSJFLKASDJF

KirkisaJ3rk (1:08:36 AM): ADF;LSDKJFLK;AJSDF

KirkisaJ3rk (1:08:37 AM): ASDFL;KJASDFL

KirkisaJ3rk (1:08:41 AM): YOU STUPID CUNT

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:08:47 AM): HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

KirkisaJ3rk (1:08:47 AM): YOU STUPID WHORE AND A HALF

KirkisaJ3rk (1:08:48 AM): I SO BELIEVED THAT

KirkisaJ3rk (1:08:48 AM): GO DIE

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:08:51 AM): I HAVE BEEN LAUGHING SO HARD

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:08:54 AM): FOR LIKE

KirkisaJ3rk (1:08:55 AM): GO CRAWL INTO A FUCKING HOLE AND STARVE TO DEATH

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:08:56 AM): THE PAST FIVE MINUTES

KirkisaJ3rk (1:08:57 AM): NO. NO. NO

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:09:00 AM): HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA

KirkisaJ3rk (1:09:03 AM): I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR CLITORIS OFF

KirkisaJ3rk (1:09:06 AM): NO MORE CLITORAL STIMULATION FOR YOU

KirkisaJ3rk (1:09:10 AM): SEE IF YOU EVER FUCKING ORGASM AGAIN

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:09:15 AM): HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

KirkisaJ3rk (1:09:15 AM): JESUS. FUCKING. CHRIST.

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:09:37 AM): HAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA