I am the option. The last minute option.

Ohhh, well, we were all sort of waiting for this post, weren't we?

I am completely and utterly miserable.
I have been for the past few days, as I've come to realize a few things.

I guess I didn't really realize how easily I get attached to the guys I like, but wow, is it kind of overwhelming once I think about it.

I mean, they shouldn't have to assure me 24/7 that they like me, right?
But at the same time, saying things like, "We'll hang. Just. Not a lot" isn't exactly assuring of anything, other than if he gets bored, he'll hit me up.

Why am I never enough?

Why is it that guys fight for me left and right, but the very second they have me within their grasp, and I'm totally all for it... It's like they go on auto-pilot or shut off completely?

I know I'm the one who does this to them now.
It's like the mystery is all gone, and when they see me for who I really am, they're not interested anymore.
That's when they turn into jerks so I'll turn them away. Then they can't really be labeled the bad guy who broke my heart. Again.

But my heart is breaking.
I feel like it's never going to stop, ever.
It starts getting all healed and nice and pretty and full, and then it just gets crushed again.

In retrospect, it all could've been avoided, of course.
If I would've just stuck to my guns with the whole, "I don't date" thing, I would not be in physical agony over this now.

There is just now way he could have liked me as much as he let on.
With things like, "My friends most likely wouldn't like you" and just brushing me off like I'm chopped liver whenever I wanted to see him... it's hard to imagine he thought much of me.

Even now, as I type this, I'm still sort of arguing with him on it.
All he keeps saying is, "Sorry" and "I told you this was going to happen".
He's not fighting for me.
He's not telling me I'm being ridiculous.

Not one guy ever has.
I tell them they're making me feel like shit, I tell them that they're on bullshit, and they immediately tell me, "Ah well. Sorry I fucked up. See ya".

I think the perpetual question in my mind is just always going to be, "Why am I always the option, and never the necessity?"

All of these guys claim that I am soooooooooooooo necessary.
My ex boyfriends, for crying out loud!
But they're lying through their teeth.
It isn't possible. If I was, there would have been a fight.
There would have been some sort of story I could at least tell my friends about later.

But the only stories I have are:
"I told him it was over. He said okay".
"I asked him why he was acting like that. He said I don't know".
"He told me he had something to say, then we sat in a car for an hour in silence".
"He said that he loved me, but if we were a couple, it would take the fire out of it".
"He cheated on me. Didn't even apologize or ask to work things out".
"I told him he was being a jerk. He agreed".

I'm always the rule. Never the exception.