"A gracious plenty. I like that".

I'm listening to Spring Awakening, and it's not even helping.

If you know me at all, you'll know that's a big deal.

It's kind of like Ghandi, when he fasted. Everything got better for him. Things got resolved.
CAN YOU IMAGINE IF THAT HADN'T WORKED?! HE WOULD'VE DIED OF STARVATION!

Now, nothing as extreme will happen to me.
But I can't handle this kind of shit right now!

In the past few months, I've had the horrible, horrible realization that my mom doesn't know what she's doing.
Like, as a mother.
It's like she's never done this before, this parenting thing.

::points to self:: Hellooooo, I was 16 once.
I mean, I wasn't as FUCKING PREPOSTEROUS AS THIS, but c'mon.
I did a little rebellion... right? Didn't I?
I dated a guy two years older than me...
I uh, uh, uh... procrastinated...
Yeah. I really didn't prepare her at all, did I?
I was never late for curfew, she always knew where I was, etc.

But get this.
This woman had me on a tight leash, for her.
She always had the numbers of where I was going to be, she like... had a drawn out agenda for my entire evening, etc.
It wasn't a "tight leash", by any NORMAL means, of course, but it still was for me.
I'm a spoiled rotten brat. A leash at all was pushing it for me.

Anyway.
She hasn't done any of these things for my brother.
None.
He says he's going somewhere, he goes, and then he comes back and has put 80 miles on the car and reveals he actually went somewhere ELSE,and she just says, "Don't do that".

OH MAN. I WOULD'VE HAD THE CAR TAKEN AWAY IN TWO HEARTBEATS.
And that was when Mom had money to compensate, for pete's sake.
She doesn't now.

What I'm leading up to is what happened last night.
Ricky's curfew is midnight on weekends.
Mom, for some unknown reason, took Nyquil a half hour before Ricky was supposed to be home.
Now... What? Where... Does that make any sense whatsoever?
Anyway.
He wasn't home by curfew.
We all called, we all texted, we called the police, you NAME IT.
Haha, then Mom proceeded to go to bed. So did Dad.
I stayed up until Ricky got home. At 4AM.

His claim? The car was dead. (Fact) He fell asleep. (Lie)
So. My first question? "Why didn't you call anyone when the car initially died? I always do."
His response was something like, "I figured we just 'overused' it, so we were gonna leave it and come back."

WHERE THE FUCK DOES THAT MAKE SENSE AT ALL OH MY GODDDDDDDD.

Ed had literally been into Slim's THAT MORNING.
Nothing was wrong with her. They did something. I swear, they did something.

Anyway.
He got home at 4AM.
No car. No call. Nothing.

And is he punished for it? Come on guys, you already know the answer.
THE ANSWER IS NO. FUCK.

Oh wait. Update. The car is fixed.

Oh, and remember that little post I had awhile ago of Dad freaking out on dudes?
Well, I write to this guy in prison, who is there for a legit reason and such. I've known him for years, I'm not going to stop being friends with him.
Sorry, I mean... really? My mom is a convicted felon, most of my dad's friends have been to prison, my dad has assaulted my mother with intention to kill, COME ON.
I'm really not in the boat to judge.

So yeah.
I get a letter from Andy today, from prison.
And Dad is all, "Who do you know in prison?"
And I said, "Um, a lot of people. Well, one less since October. He hung himself. Poor kid".
My dad's eyes were buggin' out, and he goes, "Why is this Andy in prison?"
So I told him.
And Dad goes, "...Why are you talking to him?"
I snatched the letter and said, "Dad, I'm a big girl, I've always made good decisions. He's harmless".

I have a feeling I'm going to get a lecture later.

MAN I CAN'T BELIEVE RICKY IS GOING UNPUNISHED FOR MISSING CURFEW BY FOUR HOURS AND I'M BEING REPRIMANDED FOR RECEIVING LETTERS.

I AM IN THE WORST MOOD EVER.

Eric Northman isn't even helping.

Best Story Evar.

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:04:37 AM): hey. hey jarid.

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:04:42 AM): brandon just totally went on a rant about you

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:04:43 AM): it was insane

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:04:49 AM): and then all of a sudden, we were arguing about the rant.

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:04:54 AM): and i was like, "OMFG HOW DID THIS HAPPEN"

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:04:59 AM): but then i totally owned him with logic

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:05:00 AM): so i win

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:05:01 AM): again

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:05:18 AM): and he can sit there and claim there is NO LOGIC, but there is.

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:05:20 AM): there were dots

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:05:24 AM): jake even agreed there were dots

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:05:29 AM): majority rules, i think.

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:05:44 AM): and don't you dare agree with him

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:05:47 AM): BECAUSE I AM RIGHT

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:05:52 AM): I AM ALWAYS RIGHT

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:06:27 AM): and there are plenty of things, and stuff, and... JUST A BUNCH OKAY

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:06:44 AM): so jarid. thoughts?

PsychoPunkTiki (1:07:44 AM): what

PsychoPunkTiki (1:07:50 AM): was being said about me?

PsychoPunkTiki (1:08:13 AM): or can;t I know

PsychoPunkTiki (1:08:14 AM): ?

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:08:16 AM): oh you can know

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:08:18 AM): and i will tell you

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:08:20 AM): in a moment

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:08:21 AM): my darling

PsychoPunkTiki (1:08:25 AM): ok

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:12:06 AM): alrighty, jarid

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:12:12 AM): so. we're standing outside

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:12:27 AM): jake came over to talk, rant, whatever, and have a ciggy with me. and brandon was out there. he had been on the phone.

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:12:29 AM): and so. we start talking.

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:12:33 AM): and you happen to IM him

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:12:47 AM): and you said something like, "a number, a fruit, and something gray"

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:12:50 AM): and he replied

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:12:53 AM): and then

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:13:23 AM): i said the thing you said about james dean being eaten by dinosaurs

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:13:32 AM): and how it was inconceivable

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:13:43 AM): and then i said, "there are some dots that should be connected, SIR"

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:13:55 AM): and brandon was aghast

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:14:00 AM): and was like, "what? what? what?"

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:14:30 AM): and i, so cunning am i, took a step forward, and said, "i think i know some things about... jarid"

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:14:34 AM): and brandon was aghast AGAIN

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:14:51 AM): you know. i should just call you.

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:14:52 AM): because.

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:14:58 AM): my voice would portray what i'm saying so much better.

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:15:05 AM): or i could continue on here.

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:15:06 AM): your choice.

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:15:08 AM): it's getting good

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:15:12 AM): because is aghast again

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:15:18 AM): because brandon*

PsychoPunkTiki (1:15:23 AM): I am in the basement

PsychoPunkTiki (1:15:28 AM): and my phone is upstaris

PsychoPunkTiki (1:15:32 AM): charging

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:15:35 AM): WELL FINE

PsychoPunkTiki (1:15:36 AM): ...

PsychoPunkTiki (1:15:37 AM): sorry

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:15:42 AM): just know that i am telling an epic tale

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:15:52 AM): and you are missing out on my fabulous story telling ways via... voice... and such

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:15:53 AM): anyway

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:16:14 AM): i said, "you know, jarid is quite attractive, and always seems to ignore me when you are online. because i think he thinks that you are more interesting"

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:16:18 AM): and brandon was all, "BUT BUT BUT"

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:16:26 AM): and i said, "NO BUTS BRANDON. I SPEAK THE TRUTH"

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:16:45 AM): and then brandon slumped against my car, defeated.

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:17:35 AM): and i said, "good. now listen up, buckwheat. i bet that jarid likes you more than he likes me. AND I DON'T MEAN FRIENDWISE, OH NO. because friendwise, i am awesome. but no. that is not what i mean"

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:17:40 AM): and then brandon, all of a sudden, had a story.

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:17:45 AM): he said something like this:

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:19:04 AM): "i, brandon robert caviness, do believe that you, cayla christine gillispie, are absolutely and positively on to something. i bet that when you guys go to dennys and have your coffee... i will glare at you from the window, where i will be watching, out of horrible jealousy. and then, all of a sudden, jarid will exclaim, 'BUT I LOVE BRANDON!'. and you, my beautiful loving cayla, being an amazing woman, will immediately make him sign a piece of napkin STATING that he said what he said"

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:19:31 AM): "and then, you, cayla, love of my life, will bring it to me, and i will JUMP FOR JOY. and after jumping for such joy, jarid will run out into the parking lot, and love making will ensue"

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:19:36 AM): at this point, jarid, i interjected

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:19:43 AM): i said, "but brandon! he doesn't like touching!"

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:19:55 AM): and brandon said, "well cayla, i know. therefore, it will be EMOTIONAL LOVE MAKING"

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:20:08 AM): and then. we all applauded. because it's a completely believable concept, don't you think?

PsychoPunkTiki (1:20:53 AM): I suppose so...

PsychoPunkTiki (1:20:54 AM): ah

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:21:20 AM): see? i win.

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:21:32 AM): because. after brandon told this amazing story, HE SAID I WAS WRONG

KiSsThEsTaRs8488 (1:21:42 AM): AND HE SAID IT IN THE FIRST PLACE. I JUST SAID TO CONNECT DOTS.

PsychoPunkTiki (1:23:00 AM): the only logical flaw I find in there

PsychoPunkTiki (1:23:09 AM): is while yes I have questioned my sexuality

PsychoPunkTiki (1:23:22 AM): at current moment I am attracted to females I believe

PsychoPunkTiki (1:23:25 AM): I could be wrong though

This gift is my curse, for now.

I hate Valentine's Day.

I boycotted it by getting my nails painted green.
Then, I wore all pink and red today.
Yes. I do love contradicting myself. :-D
Besides, I never get to wear red, because it's a "daring" color for me.
But FUCK, I just went blonde. It's about damn time I got a little daring.

Mom bought me a new purse today.
Maaaan, I love purses.
It's the only thing I like to buy, really.
I don't like buying clothes, or shoes, or... anything.
I just do. I get in the mood for it.

But there are two things I could buy and buy and buy and never get sick of.
Books and purses.

So, now I have to get a new wallet.
Cuz my green one doesn't go with my new silver and gold purse.
MAN. IT'S SO FRICKEN CUTE.

Anyway.
I got a box of Hershey's chocolates today. HOT DAMN.

So.
I have to shave today.
If anyone knows me, they know what that means.

:-D

I'm off!

Highlight.

The highlight of my day today:

I'm sitting in Math, and Emily is next to me, doodling, or so it seems.
Upon closer inspection, I see this blacked out line or something, and next to it, she's written something:
"I doodle sometimes, but it always ends up looking like a penis... so I... erase it..."

Emily is a lesbian. I found it to be the funniest thing ever.

And then, later, our math teacher said, "Biologically, it's nonsense".
We were discussing a true-false question having to do with percents.

Yeah.

That was the highlight.

I'm losing you, and it's effortless.

I have an accumulation of 3 underground zits on my face right now, all from stress. One might suggest it's from my period, but they can get lost. Menstrual zits are big, puss filled ones on the surface. Usually on my cheekbones, or nose. But no. These 3?
Underground. So they can get massive. And hard. One is on my chin, and makes it look like I have a witch chin.
The other is on my cheek, which speaks for itself.
The other is on my temple, and it's giving me a wicked headache.

FUCK STRESS.

"I'll marry you if you lose 20 pounds".
Gosh, isn't that romantic? You'd imagine that that sentence is a complete joke, right? NOPE.
Totally serious.
Wanna know who said it?

My dad.

My mom was 125 pounds, tan, blonde... a total knockout. And he tought she was fat.

Well, FUCK YOU, Dad. I'm a fatty and I love it.

Seriously!

And wow, if a guy ever said that to me, I'd crush his balls with pliers. But Mom said that Dad doesn't have balls.
UGH. If I told my dad that someone said that to me, I wouldn't be surprised if he lit the guy's house on fire.

What a hypocrite, my dad. It gets, worse, though...

During my first few years of life, my dad still had game, so he took advantage of it, and cheated on Mom quite frequently.
Yeah!
And he'd try to go over to Pam's house and use the spare bedroom with the girls he found at the bar.

Well, first off, he'd been a complete dick to Pam in high school, and secondly, Mom and Pam were good friends. So yeah.
Mom knew. But did she divorce him? Noooo.

He's been up north, working on a project at my grandparents' house, for two weeks. We're all kind of hoping he'll stay there, or find a girlfriend.
Man! Can you believe that asshole?!

I blame both of them, realy, for being as unhappy as they are. Dad is a dick who still wishes he was a casanova, and Mom let him be a dick for so long, she just feels comfortable with it, now.

I WILL NEVER BE LIKE THAT.

"Don't do sadness, so been there".

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I hate being crazy.

I hate that my psychologist AGREES that I'm crazy.

But do you want to know the worst part of all of this?

I only find solace in one man, and that's Moritz.
Rather, the entire soundtrack to Spring Awakening.
All I want to do is cuddle him and make him feel better and have him go, "Damniiiit" in that way when I excite him or whatever.

Anna and I have decided that we're going to Build-A-Bear to make a Moritz doll so we can cuddle him all the time.

Yeah.
That's how bad it is.

THANK YOU SPRING AWAKENING.
THANKS.

So maybe
I should be some kind of laundry line.
Hang their things on me
And I will swing 'em dry.
You're just wavin' the sun
Through the afternoon
And then see
They come to set you free
Beneath the rising moon.

Sometimes, Moritz knows just what to say.

Spring Awakening changed my life.

My brother stole my car today, which made me late.

That also lead to me being yelled at.

Did I outright say it was Ricky's fault and I was two seconds away from having another panic attack?

Nope. Wanna know why?

Man, you’re fucked if you just freeze up
Can’t do that thing – that keeping still

HANSCHEN
But, you’re fucked if you speak your mind

GEORG, HANSECHEN & OTTO
And you know – uh huh – you will

ALL
Yeah, you’re fucked all right – and all for spite
You can kiss your sorry ass goodbye
Totally fucked – will they mess you up?
Well you know they’re gonna try

Yeah, that's why.

Oh, and let's put the icing on top of the cake, shall we?

My grandpa has cancer.