FRACKING.

The highlight of my night was as follows:

Me: Oh no. It's snowing.
Shawna: It's okay, the weather people said it'll only be a light dusting.
Me: ::points outside:: THAT IS NOT A LIGHT DUSTING. THAT IS A WHIRLWIND OF HORRIBLE.
Shawna: ::almost tips over chair she is laughing so hard::

Two Week Notice.

After a long an strenuous talk with my mother last night, I've decided to give my two week notice at Kohls.

Basically, my mental health is in the shitter, and I can't handle a lot.

We went through a slew of options.
I could quit both jobs.
I could quit one or the other.
I could quit school for awhile.

I decided to quit one job.
Kohls.

They need me at the Image Creator, and I need to keep going to school.

We've also decided to integrate a few stress relieving things into my life.
We signed up to go to LA Fitness at Northtown.
Swimming is very relaxing to me.
So is working out, even if it suckssss.
Mom and I will be doing that a few times a week.

Anyway.
This entire crazy decision making process came because I have a nervous breakdown/panic attack yesterday after I got home from work.
I don't want to go into specifics. It's kind of embarrassing.
I shouldn't have gone to work at Kohls after having a crazy ass attack for an hour and a half, but I didn't want to disappoint anyone.
So there I was, trying to suppress my inability to concentrate and see straight, all the while trying to convince myself that the knot in my chest was NOT a heart attack.
After awhile, it just didn't work.

So I started having a panic attack again, right there at work.
And pretty much went home after that.
I called in to work today. Because my sanity is more important.

But anyway.
My mom pointed out that I'm too concerned with what people think about my decisions.
I need to start living for me.

And she's completely right.
It's a selfish endeavor, of course, but I need to be looking out for my well-being.

So that's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to start relaxing, and not give a shit if people like it or not.

"I should've killed you when I had the chance." "Yes, you should have. But you didn't."

Can I just say that Lucian is a BAMF?!

Hexus lena. That man is the fucking shit.
Like, I mean, before he died, he totally could've been my friend and I would've been like, "Well, I'll never die. No worries here".
Of course, after he got killed off with all of that silver nitrate, I would've been fucked...

Anyway.

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans broke my heart.

Because you know what's gonna happen.
You're already totally ready for it.
But it still hurts a bunch.

And good CHRIST, Michael Sheen knows how to look like he's being ripped apart from the inside.
I kept wanting to hug him.

The action was GREAT.

The sex scene came too early, for my taste, though.
I wanted to wait a little more before I got a raging hard on.

You can tell that the director was different in a lot of areas, which was somewhat disappointing, because Weisman (sp?) was really good.

However, this franchise has been thought out WAY in advance.
They know what comes before this, after this, after the first two movies...
They've got it. It's solid.

All of my questions were answered, and thensome.
It was so fabulous!

Fuck.
I'm all hot and bothered.

Lucian really did a number on me.
Shit.

Inauguration.

Man.

It is so hard to watch all the coverage for Obama's inauguration celebration tomorrow.
Y'know, the big concert in front of the Lincoln Memorial.
All the music, the celebrities...

I'm just so proud to be here today.
To be young, alive, etc etc.

I can't believe I get to witness this.

It's very difficult for me to keep my composure!

And with that, I bid adieu to Bush.
You did what you could, sir.
Change is ahead.

This is bullshit.

WHY CAN'T THINGS JUST BE SIMPLE?!

I really, REALLY wish, that things just had a little more simplicity embedded into them.

I'm not asking to be a kid again, with little to no responsibility.

I AM JUST ASKING TO BREATHE.

I am asking for something to just go right.
To just be easy.

Why can't SOMETHING be easy?

I feel like I am falling apart at the seams, and nobody is here to keep me together.

I'm like the fucking freak show.
Let's all watch Cayla crumble to the ground.

And I am trying SO HARD to keep it together.

But this is definitely one of those nights where I wish suicide didn't send me to Hell.

My Bloody Valentine 3-D.

Oh. My. Fucking. GOD.

This movie was seriously the shit.

I cannot express how GREAT it was.

It goes by the book on horror movies.
I mean, NOT ONE THING WAS LEFT OUT.

And the 3-D idea was GENIUS.

In all honesty, not bad plot, at all.
It was pretty solid, actually.
And kept you guessing until the end. (Horror movie rule)

The music was fabulous.

They need to make all horror movies in 3-D.
THEY'D ALL SUCCEED.

This movie was so fricken great.
Cult classic? FUCK YES.

I promise you, you won't regret spending the extra two bucks.
Go during the week, it's only 7 bucks at AMC.
It is GENIUS GENIUS GENIUS.

Not to mention, Jensen Ackles is a BAMF.

Holy fuck. I cannot get over this movie at all.

BOOM

Total Cigarettes Today: One

So.
I didn't go to Humanities today.
I woke up on time, oh yeah.
Mom was supposed to get me tampons.
Did she?
Nope.
So where did I go?
Nowhere.

Well.
Here's a story for you.
I'm at work tonight, and it's just Stacey, me, and Crazy Lady who is getting her nails done by Stacey...
And we're all hanging out, y'know, waiting for Crazy Lady's nails to dry.
She's going on and on about why she got dentures after she had her first child.
Stacey and I are trying not to scream cuz this lady is just a "different type of egg", as Stace would put it.
All of a sudden, there's this BOOM.
And I mean, fucking COSMIC, okay?!
So, my eyes are big as fucking saucers, and I look at Stace, and I go, "What the fuck was that?"
And she has no idea, but she's a mom, so she put Mom Pants on, and we went and walked around the shop together.
Cuz there were TONS of scenarios we had picked out:
1- A car hit the building
2- Someone shot someone else
3- The dryer magically tipped over
4- Someone from next door was trying to break in
5- Aliens were invading
We just couldn't figure it out, and I wasn't about to check the vacant place next to us, so I called the cops to report the noise.
A guy, probably in his late 50s, came out to investigate around the building.
He said that he's responded to calls like this before at our shop.
AND THAT JUST FREAKED ME OUT.
So, I left a note for Denise (my boss) to let her know what happened, and Stacey and I held hands when we left because I was FREAKED THE FUCK OUT.

Now I'm home.
And safe.
NO BOOMS HERE.

History is tough.

Total cigarettes today: Two

Chemistry was okay today, although I know I'm gonna hate it soon.
I just HATE IT.
But she blew shit up today. That was worth it.

Math is pretty normal.
Woo. Math. Woo.

I also had Minnesota History tonight with Mammenga.
HE IS OLD. AND HILARIOUS. AND LOUD.
I already love the class.

I do not like how fucking cold it is outside.
Yeah.
I'LL PASS ON THAT, THANKS.

Hopefully it won't be as bad tomorrow.

I only have Humanities tomorrow.
Speaking of which...
I have to go read 'The Tell-Tale Heart'.
BECAUSE APPARENTLY, THIS IS AN ENGLISH CLASS, AND APPARENTLY, I DIDN'T READ THIS A GAJILLION TIMES IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Talk about Bram Stoker some more, Dierking.
AT LEAST WE TALKED ABOUT THE AUTHOR OF DRACULA INSTEAD OF READING THE FUCKING BOOK AND ANALYZING IT.

FUCK YOU, KIRSTEN.
I PASSED ENGLISH WITH AN A.
YOU ARE NOT SUSAN DUNN.
YOU ARE A RETARDEDLY QUIET HUMANITIES TEACHER WHO CAN'T JUST START WITH THE YEAR 1800 AND WORK CHRONOLOGICALLY TO 1899.

Make me read another story, bitch.
I will DESTROY YOU.

First day of school. Spring Semester.

Total Cigarettes Today: One

I went bowling last night.
Unbeknownst to me, since... fricken... FOREVER, it's free on Sunday night.
FREE.

Like, shit.
I had no idea.
So we go.
And by "we", I mean, a bunch of chilluns from work.
And Sara's boyfriend Chase.
And Anna's friend Nate.
Anyway.
We had to team up, because it was so crowded.

Sara + Courtney = Corsa
Brian + Chase = Brase
Cayla + Anna = Canna
Cassandra + Nate = Cathaniel

Anna and I lost, of course.
We decided that if it was a bowling league where you had to bowl like golfers, WE WOULD WIN.
And next time, we're gonna call ourselves Tiger, as in Tiger Woods.

Haha, Cleo always loses it when I look at her, make a kiss noise, and close my eyes as I do it.
Her pupils get all dilated.
And she just now, couldn't stand it anymore, so she jumped in my lap.

Little does she know that I have to shower in five minutes...
...But she's looking at me, her eyes all lovey and heady-lidded.
GOD I LOVE THIS FUCKING CAT.

I'm pretty sure that 'Circus' by Britney Spears is like, the story of my life.
CUZ I AM THE RING LEADER, MMK?!


I'm having mixed feelings about this semester of school.
I feel like this is going to be a neverending ordeal.
I feeeeeeeel like I'm never gonna get my Associates and MOVE ON.
It's kind of how I feel about men, as well.

It really doesn't matter how much they initially impress me.
For some reason, guys do that to me a lot.
Because they find me intimidating.
Or mysterious.
And the second I let my guard down, WHABAM.
They're done being impressive. They turn into assholes.
I know that it's something I'm doing wrong.
I'm too blunt. I'm too smarmy. I'm too sarcastic.
I'm pushy, I'm rude, I'm obscene, I'm egotistical.

BUT CAN'T I FIND A GUY WHO LIKES THAT?!
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Romeo, take me somwhere we can be alone. (WTF TAYLOR SWIFT)

Total cigarettes today: One

What the EFF is this headache?!
SERIOUSLY!
It doesn't matter what I do, it just REFUSES TO LEAVE ME ALONE.
It's like, "Fuck you, Cayla. I will hurt you repeatedly and make you suffer because you're a stupid ho".
Excedrin isnt' even helping this bitch.
THIS BITCH IS HANGING ON WITH A MOTHERFUCKING VENGEANCE.

Anyway.
I'm hungry.
I think I shall make myself a pot pie.
OF EPIC PROPORTIONS.
And by epic proportions, I mean it has potatoes in it.

Oh.
Can I just say...
That if Taylor Swift was a serious lady, she wouldn't sing songs about Romeo and Juliet living happily ever after.
Wanna know why?
CUZ FIRST OF ALL, BITCH, THAT'S DESECRATING EVERYTHING SHAKESPEARE EVER WROTE, YOU IGNORANT TWAT.
AND SECDONDLY, ROMEO AND JULIET DIED. GET THE FACTS RIGHT.
Dumbass cunt.

I learned last night that sliding in snow can actually be quite fun, if you don't apply the brakes.
It's actually really easy to get out of sliding if you don't apply the brakes.
Applying the brakes gets you killed.
Or in a ditch (saw that), or in a car accident (saw that) or in the other lane of traffic (saw that).
But thanks to Jake, I can safely maneuver Special Ed around WITHOUT doing any of the above.
Yeah. Expert driver status. Right here.

Speaking of drivers...
Ricky takes his license test on Thursday.
Kill. Me. Now.

I can't explain a thing.

Total cigarettes today: Zero.


YEAHHHHHHHHHHH NO CIGARETTES.
But I did have, like, three yesterday...

Ah well.

Chelsea came in to work today and did her "I got action last night" dance.
I almost died.
And then almost started crying.
I WANT TO DO THAT DANCE!

But I don't, at the same time.

Oh.

Also.

I think that the bump on the back of my foot, the one created by the demon U-Boat that attacked me at Kohls during Christmas...
I don't think it's going away.
It's still there, and it's... not... leaving...

I've almost thrown up four times today.
GO STOMACH FLU.

Cigarettes today: Two.

I figure I'll start to keep a count, just so people know that I don't smoke like a chimney.
Well, shit. Sometimes I do.

And then I get really sick and have to lay down.
I really shouldn't smoke. I'm sensitive enough without the added tar in my system.

Anyway.

I drink so much coke that my pee has finally turned green.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen. Neon fucking green.

Wanna know the funny part?
It smells weird, too.
Faintly like what my urine smells like when I take Mucinex for colds...
...Interesting.

People say I should lighten up on the coca-cola, too.
But.
I'm addicted to caffeine.
I'd rather be addicted to that than:
A- Smoking like a chimney
B- Being a slut
C- Cutting myself
D- Acting like a bitch because I'm caffeine deprived

I like caffeine.
It's a nice vice.
It isn't illegal.
I'm going to stick with it.

It'll probably be with me until the day I die.
Just bury me with a bottle of it, eh?

I saw 'The Unborn' tonight.
I think it's a good movie to...
Aw, hell, it's a horrible movie.
Only see it if you plan on laughing your ass off and making great jokes about how Gary Oldman has an incredible Wrath, or how hot Cam Gigandet is when he throws himself through glass windows to ALMOST chuck a four-year-old over a balcony, or how incredibly awesome it is that in movie terms, "I need to get some air" really means, "I need to have a hot shower and touch myself".
JUST SAYING.

Maybe a hero can save us.

I just had one of the best days that I've had in awhile.
I got to sleep in.
I worked, and nobody bitched at me for doing my job.
I looked hot as hell. (Pictures available on MySpace and Facebook)

Oh.

And.

I hung out with Jake.

FUCK.

I don't know what I'm doing.
What am I doing?
WHY AM I DOING THIS?

I think a better question is...
Why do I love him?
Why am I constantly reminded of how much I love him?
Why has he been ALL I can think about for FOUR MONTHS?

And why does he reciprocate?
WHY THE FUCK DOES HE HAVE TO RECIPROCATE?

Ugh. It bothers me.
Anyway.

We all went to Denny's. (Brandon, Mary, Jake, Myself)
We ended up talking about the U-shaped butt poker that Brandon got.
BUTT. POKER. U-SHAPED.
Yeah.
It vibrates.
It's huge.
It's scary.

Anyway.
It was just fucking fun.
And I hated it.

You know those moments where you love it, and you hate that you love it?
THAT WAS ME TONIGHT.

I'm so afraid.
I'm so afraid of how I feel.
But I know the solution.
Just, y'know, don't be alone with him.
I think I can accomplish that quite easily.

Let's move on.

I just wanted to let the world know the following things:

I am 20 years old.
I have trust and intimacy issues because I was sexually forced to do things by a man I trusted with my life about three months ago.
I weigh 175 pounds, and I'm happy about it.
I think I'm beautiful and wonderful just the way I am.
I can be a bully.
I can't write anymore, because I'm so stressed, that I find it physically impossible.
As mentioned before, I'm stressed, although I have no idea why I'm stressed.
I have gray hair.
Cleo is 9 years old, and I'm very, very, very scared that she's going to die before I want her to. I have no idea if I'm going to be able to go on living without her in my life, and I mean that.
I cry a lot.
I haven't gotten my period in three months. Pregnant? No. Stressed? Yes.
I smell good.

That's all, folks!

Fuck You And Your Words.

That's all I said last night while trying to do a crossword puzzle on my phone.
I put it in challenge mode, which meant I played against a computer.

Here's a piece of advice: Never play against a computer. YOU WILL LOSE.

That motherfucker, whose name was ISAAC, said shit like, "rampant" and "evacuee".
THE FUCK, DUDE.

I hate crosswords, yet I love them so.
My mom got me a book of crosswords for Christmas.
I hardly know any answers, yet I keep trying...

Crossword puzzles really make me feel stupid.
I know I'm smart.
But shit, I am just not that smart.

It hurts my feelings a little.



I also had a dream last night that the Queen of England read something I had written, thought it was hysterical, and told me to quit college so I could go on a book tour with her.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
It might be unlikely...

BUT WHERE THE EFF IS THE PERSON WHO IS SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT TO ME?!
AM I NOT A GOOD WRITER?!
::curses heavens::

Nevermind.
College is for cool people.
I better stay where I'm at, cuz I'm definitely lacking in the cool spectrum of things.

Speaking of cool...
IT IS FUCKING COLD OUTSIDE.
WINTER CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH ITSELF AND NEVER COME BACK.

::grumbles::

I am moving to New Mexico, and that's just fucking final.

Hmmm.
I suppose I'm kind of feeling a little hormonal.
I use the word fuck a lot when I'm feeling a little hormonal.


I broke a nail the other day.
Yep.
Put together a computer, hooked it up, got it running smoothly... and broke a fucking nail.
Mom yelled, of course. If she didn't yell, I would've been frightened.
Apparently, you're not supposed to put things together so quickly in a 20 minute time. No. You're supposed to be DONE.

WELL DAMN, MOM. I'M NOT SPEEDY GONZALES, OKAY?!

Anyway.
I'm quite happy, because they're getting fixed today.
Ohhhh, happy day. Oh happy day...

I wrote this entire blog sitting in a towel.
Is it nice to know that someone was practically naked while writing this?
I think it's nice to know.

I mean, I like to know when people are naked.

Good job, Cayla.

I really DID throw all the shit to the proverbial fan, and it all swung around and is splattered to the ceiling and such.

Peroxide Princess, shine like shark teeth.

Huh.

I didn't think I'd ever end up here.

I don't mean HERE, like, in this life, living this way. Morbid fools.

What I meant was at blogspot, or whatever.

Because I've always been a LiveJournaler, for sure.

I hope nobody throws tomatoes at me.

But I'm here now.

And my resolution for this year is to stay positive.
Because I've been valiant failing at it for awhile, now.

I think I might just stop giving a shit, this year.
We'll see how well that goes.